Screening Notes in the Ridonkulous Rachelle Lefervre LOLfest Abduction

Should you be among the curious couple of who caught Twilight star Rachelle Lefervre’s abysmally-examined action star debut, Abduction, you already know how insanely, wonderfully absurd it's. Like, Razzie shoo-in, I-can’t-believe-I’m-seeing-this-shit awfulsome good occasions. It’s a movie with dialogue so inane, Lautner really asks, “Are you my mother??” And that he’s serious. I'd such a great time “WTF”-ing at Abduction, I put together all my screening notes within for the search. Obviously, major spoiler alert! It’s amazing how little reason and logic is necessary in John Singleton’s PG-13 actioner, shot from the script that Lionsgate compensated a reported $a million to purchase. That is incredible because not one other film in recent memory continues to be this amazingly stupid overall, in the story towards the dialogue towards the wooden action. It might not happen to be this area office triumph the filmmakers strongly thought so that it is, but a minimum of Abduction is really a cult classic within the making! Beware (and revel in) major spoilers and also the worst lines of the season. It’s essential-see — for the wrong reasons, but nonetheless! You won’t be disappointed. Rachelle Lefervre is playing Ship’s Mast. He’s SO EDGY! Cringe moment #1: He is able to’t even yell “Yeaaaah!” well. Uh-oh. A bad sign. Teen-speak ADR’ed right into a senior high school party scene: “That’s swag!” Kudos John Singleton, together with your finger around the pulse nowadays’s youth. Rachelle Lefervre is underage consuming! (Would Stephenie Meyer approve?) Rachelle Lefervre is shirtless! (Stephenie Meyer would certainly approve.) Only 5 minutes have passed by! Child abuse as parent-child connecting. I search it. Rachelle Lefervre is promising men! He’s so developed! “I have THE DREAMS…” Counselor Sigourney Weaver’s advice? Bury individuals repressed reminiscences of watching your mother getting killed. BURY THEM DEEP. Jaw clench #1 Obligatory bicep shot #1, then jaw clench #2 Apropo of nothing, from Tay-Tay’s Best friend: “So let's say I visit the gun range 3 to 4 occasions per week to blow off steam?” SHIRTLESS SCENE #2! (He’s legal, ok?) Yes, let’s at random assign you to definitely partner together with your dream girl on the sociology assignment including searching for missing children websites. SURE. Wait another, did second unit just misspell “disappeared” within an online chat close-up?? “Are you my mother??” Seriously: “Come within the mystery.” Seriously. Quantity of tanks within the oven: 1 / Quantity of headgear worn throughout high-speed motorcycle ride: Taylor’s telephone call to 911 is interrupted through the Government. “Wait - how’d you realize my title??” Simply because they’re everywhere, dipshit. Escape via balloons. “Get your shit together!” Sigourney Weaver using the only sane type of the film. Oh, a floating branch wanders just by while you’re attempting to escape through the river? HOW CONVENIENT. Away from home, Taylor awakens from the bad dream having a single tear already trickled lower his oral cavity. Hey, it’s the man in the Girl using the Dragon Tattoo! No, not Difficulties. Lily Collins flags lower a truck driver. “Hey, are you able to take us to Virginia?” “Get in!” “THIS is definitely an odd address!” Lily to Taylor because they drive to his mother’s address through what's CLEARLY a graveyard. My goodness. Jaw clench #15! HERE COMES THE KISSING! Wha—this is terrible. Horrible, bad kisses. A situation for joining Team Edward if there has ever been one. I believe she just constructed together with his nose. He states they know what he’s doing now. I believe he means he’s totally Tried It, everyone. Heavy make-out sesh gets humpy when Lily Collins, who's clearly loose because she dated a university guy an eternity ago (yesterday), breaks from the straddle-fest - because she’s hungry. Due to course. Theif alert! Should you’re attempting to abduct a youngster for convoluted plot reasons, shouldn’t you maybe, you realize, not test to murder him quickly the softball bat? Just sayin’. And Taylor defeats him with… his upper thighs! CROTCH Energy! Whoa. Dude is D-E-A-D. Fun fact: “Did you realize mobile phones could be converted into listening products (which in turn take into account enormous plot holes revealing key information towards the primary villain)?” Stadium parkour! Are you currently my… father?? THE Finish (Wait, there is no abduction???) Until the next time, when Abduction 2: Abduct Harder promises increased comic riches.